A hypothetical scenario: the effects of dopamine and the effects of the lack thereof.

By Isabel Rodriguez

Long ago, I decided that I was going to be with you.

I was walking towards that place I’d always see you at, but I wasn’t hurrying like I always do when I was about to meet you; I knew you weren’t there. I was happy, almost skipping in my step (You see the things you made me do? You made me almost skip!) because last night we had that conversation about our dreams and I felt like we connected. Never mind that the future you seemed to build in your head had not included me, I’ll make space for myself. There is hope for us yet!


I was walking and I could feel the smile on my face (How goofy! The reactions I have to thoughts of you!). I wondered how it felt to hold your hand. I wondered how it felt to touch your face, to run my fingers through the creases of your forehead, and those lines that form when you laugh. I wondered how it would be to stare at those eyes, and have someone look back; those magnificent, almond eyes that see right through me. I wondered if through time, our breaths would synchronize into a single gentle rhythm, the inhales and exhales. I wondered how you’d touch me and reach for me when you finally needed me. I wondered how you were when you cared enough, felt enough, or loved enough; or cared and felt and loved enough for me.

I adore you!

“My darling boy,” I whispered. I wondered how I ever got myself into this mess of being into you. The world stops, and all I have are thoughts of you.

I know what I decided then, when I decided to be with you but.. (I once heard that all statements said before the word “but” are irrelevant)

I wondered how I got myself into this mess.

And while I hold your hands, while I touch your face and trace those lines on your forehead (the creases that have grown deeper through these years with me), I wonder where your laugh had gone. It seemed to have disappeared along with those lines that form around you mouth, those lines that I found so endearing. You look back at me with those deep, wonderful eyes, a pool of expression and I see what you see (the crease above your eyes furrow more). In the eternity of the moment I could feel both our shallow breathing, alternating into a gentle hum. While you hold me in your hands with a weak grasp and a familiar touch, I wondered.

My darling boy, that was when I decided that I was not going to be with you.





(Inspired by this article: The Plunge of Pleasure By Deborah Blum)